Softening into the darkness, awakening into the light.

I’ve taken a pause with writing newsletters this past fall and winter because life has graced me with multiple challenging events and gratefully, the wisdom and tools to overcome them.

With this and in combination with the shifting of the solar year, I listened to my body, and realized that in order to heal from these feelings of grief, betrayal, injustices, unworthiness, etc., I needed to allow the natural forces within myself to be drawn inward for hibernation. My creative energy was returning into its source in the same way nutrients in trees begin to flow inward back into their roots to be stored and recharged again until springtime.

It’s been a long season of learning how to navigate through these states of deep pain, hurt and heartache. I reached out to select friends, family and mentors for help (only very few know the whole story), read helpful books, practiced lots of self-inquiry along with yoga, prayer and meditation.

I discovered that my initial reactive impulse to try to escape the darkness wasn’t going to make it go away. What was really needed was to face it by feeling it, with as much courage, patience, tenderness and love I could muster.

When the darkness started to envelop me, I began to gently touch it. Each time I felt into it, my courage strengthened. And each time it strengthened, I was able to surrender into the darkness more and more. And along the way, I practiced tenderly holding and mothering myself as I would a little child. When it became too much, I’d allow myself to think about something or do something that would temporarily distract me from it and then return again when I felt safe. This has been my process for many months. Although I am no longer in the heat of it, it’s still an on-going journey.

I continually remind myself that suffering is often necessary in order to soften, to learn, to open into deeper layers of the heart, and ultimately to awaken more fully. In order to grow, it’s essential to look at and face the hard aspects in our life we try to avoid. This helped me to accept the state I was in, has offered me solace and continues to do so.

I realized the key to healing is to practice self-love. Instead of pressuring ourselves to feel a certain way (which will never happen through sheer force), being gentle with the process and allowing for as much patience and time that’s needed in order to accept life as it is and surrender more fully into it. And to allow as much patience and time that’s needed to have compassion and forgiveness for ourselves, others, and to learn from our own experiences and mistakes.

I’m also learning that when we develop this self-love we will more easily be able to set healthy boundaries with others who are no longer serving our spiritual evolution. To protect our Self.

This has been an era of learning to no longer sacrifice my voice for the need to people please, to be liked or seen a certain way and instead to speak up to injustices and other’s selfish pursuits, including being taken advantage of, not being appreciated or walked over.

I’ve been letting go of relationships in my life from those who have done me harm or who lack reciprocal kindness & consideration. But, along the way, I’m doing my best to do it from a place of understanding, forgiveness and love and to radically accept others exactly as they are, even if their behaviors are hurtful or unkind.

Once we learn that the darkness is actually safe, we’ll begin to trust in life more completely, ultimately feeling safe enough to soften instead of resist. Then the pressure and the pain will lift, we will begin to not only heal but to gain wisdom from the experience. We’ll move through life more fully from the heart, where we will ultimately find endless compassion and forgiveness for ourselves and others. And according to Richard Rudd and many other wise ones on the mystic path, it’s the way to freedom from suffering and awakening into our true Selves, Love itself.

May we all shed what is no longer in service to our highest Self. May we love ourselves, love one another and welcome the emergence of our true nature to shine through during the awakening of this magical time of spring!

Om shanti om.